You're Not Happy Making Them Happy.

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

I'm feeling melodramatic today..

It's only that I realized today, subconsciously, I've always yearned for my parent's approval, ever since I was a kid. For that small bit of praise, for one positive comment, though I know at the very least, that coming from my mom would be impossible.

I was playing piano today, and it was my favourite pieces, including the Phantom of the Opera (which in my opinion is the best soundtrack for Musicals I will ever live to hear). I poured my heart and soul into it and was really engrossed and lost in it. It's these times when I play at my best, putting as much expression into it as possible, almost like being in a reverie.

And suddenly in the background my dad half-shouts at me "Why do you have to play with so much force?!"

Of course! That's how my teacher taught me, because the piece I'm playing happens to be a loud and expressive piece. I know I'm being sensitive, but after that one comment I lost all desire to continue playing. Even when I did, I lost the fervour for what was making me happy just a few minutes before. That's when I realized I based my happiness and opinion of myself on what my parents thought of me.

And I told myself today. Enough of this. I have to stop looking to be happy with myself only when other people are happy with me. To only feel better when other people allow me to feel better. I once read a quote about how the most feared word in the dictionary is the word, 'They'.

What will THEY think? What will THEY do to me? What will THEY say to me?

I think we're all like that. We all have that thought in our heads that influences our decisions in life, big and small. Sometimes it takes catching oneself in the middle of something and cross checking, only to find it's true.

I'm going to stop trying to please my parents, because whatever I do isn't going to be good enough for them. Whatever I do, there's always something to be criticized about. I've been so mentally damaged that I'm afraid to even to go to the store and pick up a pack of sugar for my mum, coz I know likely chances I'll pick the wrong one (because she didn't give specifics) and I'll just get another round of yelling. Trust me, it has happened before.

I'm a straight A student, I don't get into trouble at school, I'm not on drugs, I don't smoke, and my first time will be after marriage. I'm not the model child, but it could be so much worse.

From now on, my accomplishments, my achievements, will be built around making myself feel better, becoming a better person. I won't have my parents influence my self-esteem or my opinion of myself (unless for a valid and rational reason of course)

We're all afraid of what they think. And in the end, the people we become is not who we are, or what we are, but who they allow us to be.